grace

     I never thought I would have to find out what it's like to be hated. To feel the loss of friendships. To watch years and years of familiarity torn down to shreds of nothing. Watching people I care about turn into strangers.

I've been cursed as a pathological people pleaser. I go out of my way to avoid conflict and drama. I hate them both. But sometimes, they find you. Whether you want them or not. And sometimes you have to make choices for the good, that end up burning bridges on the way.

Why do people hurt people? How do minor misunderstandings blow up into mountains of deep cuts, and aching wounds. Why do people hate?

When people show you they don't care, believe them. Move on. But never stop loving. It's easy-- so easy to justify anger, hate, disappointment. Hurt people hurt people. Some people are the sharp end of a razor that cuts anyone who gets too close. 

You can't help people who don't want help. And that can be the most painful thing of all. It's one thing to be hated, it's another to be hated by someone you care for. It's derailing. 

Every day is a choice. Every moment is a decision. What do you do when someone hates you because you didn't stand with them in their delusion and hatred? What do you do when someone lies about you and dismisses you out of their life?

I'm reminded of something. God never turned His back on me, He chose a filthy, sinful, selfish sinner like me and made me new. He constantly has patience with me, even though I fail Him daily. What right on this earth do I have to hold bitterness or hate when He has shown me unending and unconditional love and mercy?

What did Jesus tell us in Matthew-- "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you."

I don't deserve His grace, yet He gives it to me freely. What right would I have to withhold that grace from others?

Two years

It's been two years since I've last posted. In that span of time I started and finished a degree, moved to the city, and got a job I'm really passionate about. Life has changed dramatically and there have been many lessons learned. Life is full of unexpected paths, questions, mean-hearted people, darkness, and even more questions, but it's full of unexpected joy, peace from the Lord, kind people, happy surprises, purpose, and glorious sunsets.

In the span of two years, I've gained a deeper relationship with the Lord and I'm so thankful every day that He never leaves me and never forsakes me, even though my selfish heart deserves to be left. I'm thankful for family and friends who don't walk away and forsake you when the going gets rough. Deep, meaningful relationships are so rare and so few people take the time to swallow pride and stick with you in the long haul. If there's anything deeply meaningful I've learned in just the last year, it's to stick with those who pour their hearts and time into your life. Those who simply don't care about you or those who care so little about you that they would rather cut you off and lie about you than fix the mess? Let them go and pray that God will touch their hearts again...

For the past several days, God has given me one specific word over and over again. Peace. It's the most liberating thing in the world to know God's peace. That is the word I'll carry the rest of this year and into next year and until I find myself on this little blog again someday. <3

quiet

"Let us be silent, that we may hear the whispers of God." - R.W.E