grace

     I never thought I would have to find out what it's like to be hated. To feel the loss of friendships. To watch years and years of familiarity torn down to shreds of nothing. Watching people I care about turn into strangers.

I've been cursed as a pathological people pleaser. I go out of my way to avoid conflict and drama. I hate them both. But sometimes, they find you. Whether you want them or not. And sometimes you have to make choices for the good, that end up burning bridges on the way.

Why do people hurt people? How do minor misunderstandings blow up into mountains of deep cuts, and aching wounds. Why do people hate?

When people show you they don't care, believe them. Move on. But never stop loving. It's easy-- so easy to justify anger, hate, disappointment. Hurt people hurt people. Some people are the sharp end of a razor that cuts anyone who gets too close. 

You can't help people who don't want help. And that can be the most painful thing of all. It's one thing to be hated, it's another to be hated by someone you care for. It's derailing. 

Every day is a choice. Every moment is a decision. What do you do when someone hates you because you didn't stand with them in their delusion and hatred? What do you do when someone lies about you and dismisses you out of their life?

I'm reminded of something. God never turned His back on me, He chose a filthy, sinful, selfish sinner like me and made me new. He constantly has patience with me, even though I fail Him daily. What right on this earth do I have to hold bitterness or hate when He has shown me unending and unconditional love and mercy?

What did Jesus tell us in Matthew-- "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you."

I don't deserve His grace, yet He gives it to me freely. What right would I have to withhold that grace from others?

Two years

It's been two years since I've last posted. In that span of time I started and finished a degree, moved to the city, and got a job I'm really passionate about. Life has changed dramatically and there have been many lessons learned. Life is full of unexpected paths, questions, mean-hearted people, darkness, and even more questions, but it's full of unexpected joy, peace from the Lord, kind people, happy surprises, purpose, and glorious sunsets.

In the span of two years, I've gained a deeper relationship with the Lord and I'm so thankful every day that He never leaves me and never forsakes me, even though my selfish heart deserves to be left. I'm thankful for family and friends who don't walk away and forsake you when the going gets rough. Deep, meaningful relationships are so rare and so few people take the time to swallow pride and stick with you in the long haul. If there's anything deeply meaningful I've learned in just the last year, it's to stick with those who pour their hearts and time into your life. Those who simply don't care about you or those who care so little about you that they would rather cut you off and lie about you than fix the mess? Let them go and pray that God will touch their hearts again...

For the past several days, God has given me one specific word over and over again. Peace. It's the most liberating thing in the world to know God's peace. That is the word I'll carry the rest of this year and into next year and until I find myself on this little blog again someday. <3

quiet

"Let us be silent, that we may hear the whispers of God." - R.W.E

the small steps

Growing up I always used to think that to change your life for the better, you would have to undergo huge lifestyle changes or make a drastic turn in your life.  But I'm learning as I get older, it's the small steps that are the ones that really change your life.  It's cliche and overused but it still rings true, 'Rome wasn't built in a day'.  It's the everyday, mundane, small decisions that ultimately shape your life.

For example, I hate exercising, I always have.  Back a few years and even a few months ago, I would devote time and energy into some new-fangled workout regime, only to give it up within weeks.  But recently, instead of forcing myself to start something I'll only end up stopping, I've made small everyday changes.  For instance, I'll take the stairs instead of the elevator at work, I park farther away at the grocery store, I take an after-work walk in the park or walk/run a few laps around my house when I get the chance.  Because of these small lifestyle changes I've noticed I have more energy in the day, I sleep better and I feel better overall.

Not just with exercising though... it's everything.  Every decision we make in the mundane of everyday life is wrapped up in the ultimate vision or goal we have for our life.  Our lives are made up of moments.  And these moments are our life.  Our goal or vision that we have for our future life is shaped by the decisions and the small steps we take today.  Let's make every moment count!

some things aren't meant to be understood

It makes you think.  This thing called life.  The way it ebbs and flows and takes directions you never thought it'd go.  Sometimes we ask ourselves the hard questions, the "whys" and "what ifs".  And then there's the ache that never really goes away no matter how hard you try and shake it and somedays you're smiling at a sunset that you know is a gift from God.  And the next moment you're shaking your fist at the storms and clouds that blanket the earth in darkness.  Sometimes you can't thank God enough for the blessings in your life and the next moment you question His goodness when you see the ugliness of life.  The "why" questions.  They can eat your heart out if you let them.  But amidst the happiness and tears and aching and joy and pain, there's a lingering thought that sits at the back of my mind.  

That maybe... some things aren't meant to be understood on this side.  Maybe the "why" questions that pierce our hearts and shake our souls aren't questions we'll get answered on this side.  And in a way, that's comforting.  Because what we do know, is that He cares and He knows.  And that's what makes all the difference.

apartment vibes

so I recently moved to a tiny town near Branson for a new job in the city!  I currently live in a small and cute apartment with my orange and white cat and lots of chocolate.  it's definitely an adventure and adjustment but how can it not be exciting to live so close to Branson?!  also, my backyard view is LIT 😍

sad eyes on smiling faces

working in retail provides a lot of people-observing which is something that this introverted person loves to do.  numerous people flood into the little store buying and returning and exchanging.  as someone who has always been a very strong observer, there's something I've noticed that I see in a lot of the customers that come and go...
there are so many sad eyes on smiling faces.  it's been a sad observation--  people with different fashions and lives and stories who smile to hide the pain of lost dreams, past pain, and sorrow.  people whose eyes tell the story.  I always smile back, offer a compliment and hope that somehow their day, their life will get better.  I sorta pride myself on my people-observing skills, but this has been one observation that has left me sad.
sad for those who fake a smile
for those whose dreams are lost
for those who walk around trying to hide the pain
for those who carry the weight of the world in one pair of eyes

eyes tell stories but some stories are sad to read.

you get up anyway

one day you may wake up and realize your life has taken a complete u-turn from the plans and expectations you made when you were younger.  those years you spent dreaming and planning the life you would have when you became an "adult".  but life doesn't usually go as planned.  in fact, you may wake up and wonder how on earth you got to where you are and why you're not where you want to be.  you may get disillusioned, depressed, hard and allow yourself to slip into a mindset of just "rolling with it".  you might throw the towel in and give up on any hopes and dreams and succumb yourself to a life of apathy.  for a time you might allow yourself to wallow in the pain of lost dreams and dashed hopes and wander around bleary-eyed not even making goals or plans for the future.

it may sound like your typical cliche ending but I'll say it anyway.  giving up is the easy path and few people stick it out when the going goes black.  and while somedays and some mornings you may wake up and still feel the ache of lost dreams and feel a searing twinge of hopelessness, you get up anyway and I think that is what makes all the difference.

March

March--  These pictures were taken only two days apart.

Erin Leann

home

"Home isn't where you're from.  It's where you find light when all grows dark."

lately.life

life.

questions and the "whys" of life

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."  -Thurston

There are some questions we will never get the answers to until we reach the other side.  Some things will just never make sense while we're here.  Life burns but it's happy too.  When I was younger I expected life to roll out exactly as I expected.  Woah.. was I wrong.  Things never go as you expect.  I was supposed to be fulfilling my "big" life purpose traveling the world, working an amazing job that I loved.. ect.  It's hard to accept years of seeming emptiness.  But here's something I've learned:  Nothing is ever wasted.  Even if our only response to things is "why?" uttered from the deepest longings and aching of our souls.

It will all make sense someday.  Even if that someday is when we reach the other side.

All I know

{ All I know
is I still don't know a lot

I don't know how it ends
I'm in the middle of this plot

But I found grace
for who I'm not

I found out
the day I lost myself
was the day that I found God }

Jon Foreman, Where the Light Shines Through


Life is so strange.. sometimes I look back and wonder at how life is so random and how things can change so quickly without me even realizing it.  It's weird and sad and wonderful and bittersweet and aching all at once.  Sometimes, I wish I could roll back the years and be that kid again--- the one who didn't have a care in the world.

Quote

"It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them.  

They went out and happened to things."  

Leonardo Da Vinci

Path of Life

"Thou wilt shew me the path of life.  In Thy presence is fullness of joy; 

at Thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore."  Psalms 16:11

life

life lately via Instagram.

2016

"The seasons change and you change, but the Lord abides evermore the same, and the streams of His love are as deep, as broad, and as full as ever." Charles Spurgeon

lake strolls

 

yesterday I solitarily strolled the deck of my local lake. it's always so peaceful to watch the waves crash against each other. I'll have to come here more often. 

campfires, s'mores, and Fall

we had a campfire, we had s'mores and we acted like it was Fall by sitting by the fire and roasting with the marshmallows. we might have sweated in our ankle boots but it was a nice gathering :)

Oh and s'mores are good. One time, I ate four in just one sitting (and it was happy).